


What Needs to be Said

by BitterRenegade



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-22 19:47:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13173939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterRenegade/pseuds/BitterRenegade
Summary: This Shepard isn’t the one he fell in love with. Her scars are different, the people around her aren’t like the ones who flocked to her before.His Allie died two years ago.





	What Needs to be Said

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DalishGrey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DalishGrey/gifts).



As soon as the words leave his lips he knows he’s gone too far. Her expression hardens, like when he had snapped at her for saving him instead of Ashley. Garrus, loyal to a fault (Allie’s working for Cerberus now, for fucks sake), moves to defend her and Kaidan still knows one thing for sure:

This Shepard isn’t the one he fell in love with. Her scars are different, the people around her aren’t like the ones who flocked to her before. His Allie died two years ago.

So Kaidan leaves.

“I’ve had enough of this colony.”

The ride back to the Normandy is dead silent. Garrus keeps eyeing Allie, concerned, and the Commander knows that he’s going to mention it to Joker. Kasumi, of course, is far better than Garrus at hiding her concern but Allie knows that she’ll probably bring it up when they’re alone. Thankfully, the Master Thief’s way of bringing it up involves a nice bottle of wine and some fancy chocolates Kasumi had ‘found' during their last trip to the Citadel. Sadly, Garrus’s way did involve asking Joker to try and talk to her. Her pilot/best friend doesn’t push or pry, but Allie knows that he’s there for her if she does want to talk about it.

It’s good that even if most of her crew is different, Allie still has people she can count on. Karin, Garrus, Joker, and now Kasumi. 

The email that she gets a few days after Horizon is still enough to make her just a  _ little _ bit more cruel the next time someone picks a fight with her on Omega. To be fair, the bartender poisoned her  _ first _ . It only made sense for him to get poisoned after.

But she won’t focus on Kaidan now. She needs to focus on the missing colonists. On her new crew. Making sure everything is  _ better _ and all loose ends are tied in a pretty knot before she dies again. If she dies again. 

“What did Cerberus do to you?”

It’s after the Alpha relay explodes that Kaidan hears from Shepard. Well, not from. About. The woman he loved committed a war crime. He wishes it wasn’t true. And for one small moment, he wishes she stayed dead. That thought leaves him guilt ridden for weeks, months, and then he sees her again. Of course it’s minutes before the Reapers arrive. 

She’s beautiful. But sad, angry,  _ guilty _ . On the Normandy she’s bruised with a bloody lip and her dog tags hanging from her hands, and he doesn’t know what to say to her anymore. 

But Joker does.

Kaidan watches the Pilot and the Commander trade soft looks and small smiles before Mars, and he can feel his lips turn down. Feel his chest clench uncomfortably. When did they get so close?

It’s minor. It shouldn’t matter. It’s been nearly three years now. And she and Joker had always been good friends, even on this first Normandy (the one that  _ mattered _ ). 

But knowing that doesn’t stop Kaidan from placing the blame on her. On Cerberus. Asking if she was their puppet. Her anger at his accusation hurts almost as much as getting his face slammed into the side of a burning shuttle.

“Don’t die, Kaidan.”

She visits him whenever she can, for as long as she can spare. Allie still cares, even if Kaidan thinks she doesn’t. Thinks that she’s different.

A new body won’t change how she feels about him. Although his constant suspicion of her does make her frustrated and annoyed frequently. And as much as she wants to make things right, as much as she cares, it’s better for both of them that she doesn’t break his heart a second time. That he doesn’t break  _ hers  _ a second time.

Allie knows she likely won’t survive this war. She prays that out of everyone she cares about, she’s the only casualty. 

Her prayers go unanswered.

“Thanks for coming.”

Kaidan’s heart hammers when she grins at him, a bottle of TM-88 Peruvian Whisky in hand. Allie’s easy going when she sits with him, eager to talk. Then he asks about Joker and she laughs. Joker’s her best friend, she tells him. So Kaidan asks about Garrus. Garrus is also her best friend. 

He doesn’t want to believe her. But he doesn’t have the heart to accuse her when she’s been visiting him. When she’s been showing that she cares in the little ways that are bigger than they seem. Bigger than she wants it to be. 

Deep down he knows she hasn’t changed. But he won’t admit it. And she won’t force him to. The fire in her eyes is duller, dimmer. Allie will let him think whatever he wants to, now. Because she’s given up. Slowly, Kaidan gets better. Allie keeps visiting. He accepts the Spectre offer. Then Cerberus attacks.

“Would I do this if I weren’t dead certain, Kaidan?”

It takes all of her will not to hug Kaidan the moment he lowers his weapon. He won’t regret that choice, she would make sure of it. Udina falls. The Council is safe. The Citadel is safe. Kaidan is safe. Thane’s last moments are… tough, to say the least. And the words he’d written for her feel heavy, just like  _ had to be me _ , and they ring in the back of her mind along with all the times he called her  _ Siha _ , but never what it meant.

Next, she meets with Kaidan. She almost tells him she loves him, but stops herself. He doesn’t need to know, Allie is sure. It’s better this way. And confessing feels wrong after all this death, during all this destruction. But Kaidan’s back with them on the Normandy, as Garrus would say: just like old times. So she spends time with all of her crew, including Kaidan. Smiles with them while they can. Who knows how long they would be able to?

It’s hard to smile after Legion dies.  _ I’m sorry, it’s the only way. _

Harder after Thessia falls.  _ They’re dying by the millions. _

Near impossible after Joker tells her about Tiptree.  _ So you can assume that I’m generally aware that there’s a war going on, Commander. _

Everyone’s pain and everyone’s grief plays back in her head when she sleeps. So she doesn’t. Killing Kai Leng does help make her feel a little bit better at least. Then they’re going back to Earth. Allie’s saying her goodbyes. Stops to talk to everyone on the Normandy minus the ones that are going to fight on Earth with her. Traynor looks like she’s going to cry. Karin and her share a final drink together. Joker salutes her, then pulls her into a hug and his beard feels funny on her cheek and the silent forgiveness between the two of them makes her feel light.

Allie smiles brighter than she has in weeks. Makes short calls to most of her old crew. Makes sure that Tali, James, Garrus, EDI, Liara, and Wrex all get proper goodbyes. Teases Garrus about Tali and Tali about Garrus because it’s probably the last time she’ll be able to. Tells EDI to take care of Joker. Orders James to call her Allie for once, because as much as she loves his nickname for her she wants him to know he’s reached the coveted status of ‘friend who can call Commander Shepard by her first name’. Mind melds with Liara. Gets thrown into the air by Wrex which feels great.

Then it’s just Kaidan that’s left. Neither of them know what to say, but ‘I love you’s are on the tips of their tongues. They aren’t spoken, but maybe they don’t need to be said. Awkwardly, Kaidan places a kiss on her forehead, and that’s that. 

The final battle starts.

Commander Shepard knows she won’t survive. 

“I love you.”

Kaidan tells her by her bedside. Allie’s been in a coma for thirteen months. The war was over. By some miracle, most of the Normandy’s crew had survived. EDI’s body was destroyed by a Reaper blast that also destroyed Vega’s left arm. Garrus had quietly informed the human Spectre that two of Allie’s old crewmates, Zaeed Massani and Kasumi Goto, were KIA. Adds on that she had been pretty close with Kasumi. Also mentions that someone named Jacob Taylor had lost both of his legs, but that Allie wouldn’t want to hear about the injuries right after hearing about the deaths. Fair. Both of them know that it would be better to let her process the news in waves if she woke up.

When she wakes up.

_ You know that she loves you, right, Alenko?  _ Garrus says. It rings in his head almost as much as Joker’s  _ You are such a dumbass. _

So now, Kaidan waits. Allie’s crew, her  _ friends _ visit but he stays. She deserves that much. The hospital staff let him borrow one of the showers, but he makes sure that they’re quick so that he can be there if she wakes up. When she wakes up. It took her just over two years to come back from the dead last time. He hopes it’ll be faster now that it’s  _ just _ a coma. But if it does take longer, he doesn’t mind. 

After everything, staying by her side now was the least he could do.

Because Allie had never really changed. She was the one he fell in love with. The one he loves, even if she never told him herself. So he’ll wait as long as it takes.

…

…

“...Kaidan?”


End file.
